...and so I told him where he could put his foot and.......what?....really?....no wa...oh, dangit...hey you! I didn't see ya there. You should say something next time!.......haha no YOU'RE the coolest.....no, YOU......okay, okay. I am pretty cool....oh stop it, I'm not THAT handsome.....you're a silly goose you know that?.....Ohhhh man. You are quite the smooth talker my friend. You cut to the core of me every time. I could listen to you all DAY....haha okay, okay I'll start my blog now.
Anyway, I looked back over my old posts (SO taxing might I add. There's like a bajillion) and I've noticed a trend of frilly, delicate subjects. Not that I don't like those things, but in order to convince people that I am in fact a guy I'm gonna have to edge up this blog a little bit, let it grow some scruff, punch it in the face, and buy it a motorcycle.
So, in order to juice this blog up to Chuck-Norrisesque standards, I'm going to bring in my ol' pal, the bear.
Few animals invoke such admiration out of a man than a bear. I'm going to take a couple little summarizations to outline why I think it is that bears are freaking cool.
1. HUGENESS
First of all, they're massive. There's just no getting around that. A bear easily outweighs the largest of men. They make Hagrid look normal sized. How could you look at something that big and not wonder what it would be like to be that huge? As a man, I commend the bear on his ability to get super large. It's no easy feat, as I have tried it myself and have only found mild success focused mainly around my waistline, which unfortunately is not as attractive to girl humans as it is to girl bears.
2. UNBRIDLED PHYSICAL STRENGTH
Don't be fooled by probably the cutest little polar bear you've ever seen, he's a freaking beast. In the matter of a couple months this little rascal is going to be benching 1000+ pounds as a warm up. I bet that if the strongest man in the world arm-wrestled a month old bear he would lose and then probably get eaten, as is the custom in bear-culture.
It kinda makes you wonder what they need all that strength for. I mean, if they just dieted and watched their figure a bit more they wouldn't need all that rippling muscle. I is so confused!
And that's precisely why they are manly. Bears don't care about their weight or how they look. Just how big they are. If they look good, it's because it came naturally.
3. DEVIL-MAY-CARE FEROCITY
This bear probably just found out that somebody stole his Fruity Pebbles, and you can bet that the person who stole them is contemplating facial restructuring, a new identity, and moving to Svalbard (real place, look it up) cause if this bear catches him he can kiss all that stuff goodbye anyway. Bears live in the wild (contrary to popular belief in the mythic "city bear," a bear who finds a good job in the city and leads a quiet life at home with his wife and three children). What better molder of your personality than where you live? Nature is a harsh place meant for harsh things. If a bear simply high-fived every animal it came across it would never eat nor gain any respect from it's wild-life peers (of which owls are the hardest to gain respect from. Seeing as how they feel like they're so high and mighty they feel like they can just forget everyone's names). That's why the bear has developed a nasty 'tude that's earned them a fearsome but respectable reputation in the forest community.
4. THAT GOOD OL' FASHIONED "WE LEAVE NO MAN BEHIND" LOYALTY
Now this one is a shout-out to all the Momma bears out there. Y'all rock, man. Not only do you have to wash, feed, teach, and play with your cubs, but you have to do it on your own. Papa bear just off and dipped out before Momma bear got his number. But seriously Momma bears, I could only wish to even possess an ounce of the loyalty you possess. It's a safe bet that if anything touches one of those cubs Momma bear knows about it. Momma bear knows all. And if Momma bear finds out that someone's trying to take cubby bear away, that someone is going to wind up inside-out, face-down, upside-down, backwards, and sideways. Momma bear doesn't fight fair, she wins. This fact is nothing short of inspiring. All men (despite whatever observed behavior) desire to possess this loyalty. Probably all people desire loyalty to an extent, but men long to display this loyalty. Men desire something to devote their life to. When a true man finds something worthy of his loyalty, you can bet that he isn't letting go. No way, no how.
And that my friends, is why I believe the bear is considered one of the manliest animals on this or any other planet. I bid you luck on trying to find one manlier, as I have carefully considered and weighed all options before settling on the majestic bear (meaning I took about 5 minutes to mull it over). I hope that every man who has read this now understands a little bit more about himself and knows why every time he sees a bear on TV he has an urge to ride it.
Adieu!
